The Concept of Intimacy among Married Couples

INTRODUCTION

Movies have soundtracks, many of which become hit songs. Historic events such as the Olympics and World Youth Day, to name a few, have theme songs. And even in politics, there is music in the form of jingles and campaign songs. One reason for this is music connects (Ballantyne et al., 2014); (Boer & Abubakar, 2014); (Papinczak et al., 2015) and unites people. In other words, music builds human relationships.

People coming from different walks of life would come together when their favorite artists perform in concerts. They may have their reasons, but one obvious reason is that their favorite artists will be performing live, and they want to witness it. They can then sing along while their favorite songs are performed. Indeed, music connects and unites people and so builds human relationships. And since marriage is one of the most intimate human relationships (Laurenceau et al., 2005), it is never surprising to know married couples have theme songs.

Music is linked with emotions such as a feeling of happiness or even sadness (Liljeström et al., 2013) and people use it as an instrument to regulate their emotions (Thoma et al., 2012); (Cook et al., 2019). But music also helps people feel closer to each other (Demos et al., 2012); (Harris et al., 2020). It plays an important role in the formation and maintenance of social relationships (Wuttke-Linnemann et al., 2019). This shows that there is a link between music and intimacy.

Intimacy is one reason why people get married (Schaefer & Olson, 1981); (Kamali et al., 2020). And marriage is said to be functioning well when there is intimacy (Laurenceau et al., 2005). This must be true for one key feature of an exclusive relationship such as marriage, is intimacy (LaMotte et al., 2017). According to a study among newly wedded couples, intimacy is increased when both husbands and wives perceive their conflict behaviors as reinforcing and less punishing (LaMotte et al., 2017); (Khalifian & Barry, 2020). But music can play an important role in couples dealing with conflicts, for a study shows that music played in people’s environment can influence helping behavior (North et al., 2004); (Guéguen et al., 2010). This affirms that the concept of intimacy among married couples can be linked to their theme songs.

There are a few studies already conducted about people in exclusive relationships having theme songs or couple-defining songs (CDSs), the reason for couples having these special songs has not been empirically investigated (Harris et al., 2020) so, this current study is an attempt to contribute to it. But it will deal only with married couples to explore what is their concept of intimacy based on their theme songs.

Materials and Methods

The researcher used the term theme songs in this paper though other researchers used couple-defining songs or CDSs in referring to special songs by people in exclusive relationships. And in this current study, purposive sampling was done in choosing the song samples and so only theme songs by married persons were used in the study. Of the thirty-one (31) married persons who responded to the survey questionnaire, only thirteen (13) provided their theme songs. These thirteen (13) songs were then used as the final samples to be analyzed.

Thematic analysis was employed in dealing with the song samples. This method is for “for identifying, analyzing, and reporting patterns (themes) within data” (Braun & Clarke, 2006). So, using this method, the lyrics of song samples were treated as qualitative data equivalent to answers by the respondents if they were asked about their concept of intimacy as married couples. In using thematic analysis, the lyrics of the song samples were carefully studied to find significant patterns or themes about the concept of intimacy.

More specifically, in finding patterns or themes in the lyrics, Braun & Clarke’s six-phase framework was employed when doing thematic analysis. In doing this a thorough analysis may be achieved and the concept of intimacy by the married couples who responded to the survey questionnaire be abstracted from the lyrics of their theme songs even without asking them to explain it. And so, the lines from the lyrics of the song samples that expressed ideas of intimacy were carefully selected. Then, from those selected lines, themes or patterns were abstracted. From these themes, the concept of intimacy by married couples based on their theme songs was revealed.

Moreover, this study is aimed at contributing to the limited scientific sources about why couples have theme songs, but in a more specific area, it is focused on their concept of intimacy concerning those songs. The result of research investigating the phenomenon of couple-defining songs that proved there is a link between the relationship of a couple with their song (Harris et al., 2020) motivated the researcher to work on this study. By working on this, the researcher also hopes to convince other researchers to explore the topic of intimacy by people who are in exclusive relationships.

Another reason why this current study is significant to the researcher is because he is a songwriter himself. Finding out the concept of intimacy by married couples based on their theme songs may be a way to inspire songwriters to write songs that can be used as theme songs. This will also contribute to giving importance to the value of music in human relationships. However, it must be made clear that this study is only the first of a series.

Results and Discussion

After doing a thematic analysis of the lyrics of the song samples, the one that stood out as the dominant theme and can now be used as a reference to the concept of intimacy by married couples revolves around “physical presence for each other”. It is worth noting, however, that the theme “my life depends on you” is also a significant result. Another theme that is of significance as well is “staying both in good and bad times”.

In the song Angels Brought Me Here, the lines that express that intimacy revolves around “physical presence for each other” are as follows:

When I look into your eyes…

And if you could feel the tenderness, I feel…

Standing here before you…

Right here in front of you…

From the song God Gave Me You the lines are as follows:

In your arms, I'm someone new

With ever tender kiss from you…

While the song I could not ask for more has the following lines:

Lying here with you…

Smiling just to see the smile upon your face…

Looking in your eyes…

I could not ask for more than this time together

I could not ask for more than this time with you

Yeah, right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be

Oh, here with you, here with me…

Moreover, the song In love with you has lines that do not only express intimacy by physically being around but also staying both in good and bad times. These are as follows:

Come to me now

I will never leave you,

I will stay here with you through the good and bad I will stand true…

Now we're here together…

… Hold me close forever…

Our love is forever, holding us together

Furthermore, the lines from the song My love will see you through are as follows:

I'll be on your side to comfort you…

And I'll be there with a helping hand…

Similar ideas are expressed in the lines from the song No matter what. The said lines are the following:

And I will keep you safe and strong

And shelter from the storm

The song Ordinary song though has only one line is a significant contribution to the concept of intimacy. The said line is:

You can count on me to stay…

The song Through the years has the following lines:

The sweetest days I've found, I've found with you…

And I'm so glad I stayed right here with you…

I've always been so glad to be with you…

I know that I belong right here with you…

You've kissed my tears away

As long as it's okay, I'll stay with you…

While the song Words has the following lines:

A smile can bring you near to me…

I'm here if you should call to me…

The next song Thank God, I Found You has lines that do not only express physical intimacy but also the idea that one’s life depends on being with the one you love. The lines are as follows:

I would give up everything

Before I'd separate myself from you…

… ‘Cause without you beside me I can't survive…

If you keeping me warm each and every night

I'll be alright…

Moreover, the songs Angels Brought Me Here and I Could not ask for More have lines that emphasize physical intimacy but are expressed romantically. The following lines are:

When I look into your eyes…

And if you could feel the tenderness, I feel…

Smiling just to see the smile upon your face…

Looking in your eyes…

Based on what has been demonstrated above, it has been made clear that the concept of intimacy by married couples embedded in their theme songs revolves around physical intimacy. And being physically around is not only when things are going well, but even when life is hard. This is also supported even more by the admission that one’s life depends on being with the one you love.

However, the researcher acknowledges the limitations of this study and recommends that future endeavors to explore the topic of intimacy of married couples be done. This research did not include in the study why the respondents chose the theme songs they provided. As a songwriter himself, the researcher subscribes to the idea that the lyrics and music of the song samples are of equal importance. Hence, it is safe to say that married couples could have chosen their theme songs based not only on the lyrics and the concept of intimacy embedded in them but also on the music and how the melody of their theme songs expresses the kind of intimacy they long to have. There may also be other factors besides the lyrics and music why couples choose their theme songs.

Finally, the number of song samples used in the study is not that significant. Though this research endeavor is not quantitative but qualitative, it is possible that the results of the thematic analysis could have been different if there were more song samples used in the study. This is therefore a challenge that the researcher wants to consider when doing another research on the same topic in the future.

Conclusion

Intimacy among married couples expressed in being physically present is something that this study was able to demonstrate. This goes to show that based on the results of this study, the question of how important physical presence is between two persons who are married raises a significant point.

Moreover, the link between intimacy and having theme songs among married couples has been established. There may be many other factors aside from the lyrics and music that married couples decided to have their theme songs, but those factors will not change the fact that embedded in the lyrics of their theme songs is the couples’ concept of intimacy, and this study has proven that it revolves around “physical presence for each other”. The findings of this research endeavor are now the researcher’s contribution to the field of research about marital intimacy and even the phenomenon of couples having theme songs. Music is indeed an important ingredient in an intimate and exclusive human relationship like marriage.

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